Confessions and Fears

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I haven’t blogged in over a month and it is because I’ve been afraid. I know that sounds strange as there really is nothing to be scared of when it comes to writing down your thoughts but sometimes it makes it that much more real. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared to be pregnant (well other than the usual concerns, ya know) I’m scared of the changes that will be happening to me. Here are the three biggest reasons I’ve been MIA.

1. I’ve gained weight. There. I said it. I know that I’m pregnant and that gaining weight is acceptable and healthy for me and baby. My doctors (Yes, I had two of them. The first turned out to be a jerk. More on that to come.) both agreed that I should gain about 25 lbs throughout my pregnancy. However, before I even knew I was pregnant I had gained weight and I didn’t want to confess it to you. I struggled with my diet all through September and October before I even knew I was pregnant. That was probably a blessing since I don’t know if I would still be blessed to carry mini-me if I had stuck to a 1200 calorie a day diet plus exercise.

I figure that I weighed around 195 when I became pregnant. I currently weigh 205 and am 19 ½ weeks pregnant. That doesn’t sound outrageous, but it is on the high end of the spectrum of where I should be. I’ve spent countless hours hating the fact that I let myself gain so much weight so quickly but upon talking with some close loved ones I’ve come to accept it and be proud of it. Because while it may be at the high end of where I should be, it’s still within a healthy range (considering my pre-pregnancy weight). Not only that but in those 19 weeks I went on an 8 day cruise, a mini-vacation to Las Vegas, and celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not too shabby when you look at it that way eh?

2. I was not the healthiest of soon to be mommies in the first few months. I know that being pregnant is not an excuse to “eat for two” and that baby only needs about 300 extra calories. But that is 300 calories over what I would need to eat for me to maintain my weight. To maintain my weight I would need to eat about 2000 calories a day so in essence, this permits me to eat about 2300 calories a day. Do you know what 2300 calories looks like to someone who has been eating 1200 for months?!? It looks like a party for my mouth is what it looked like. I had a very hard time envisioning those extra calories being in the form of apples and carrots. Those extra calories quickly turned into foods I’d restricted for so long. I ate pasta and pizza galore. I’m not proud of it.

It was very hard for me to go from a mindset of eating to lose weight and eating to be healthy. I’ve never eaten to be healthy before. There was always a purpose for what I was putting in my mouth. It was either pure enjoyment, or to lose weight. Getting on track has certainly been a challenge for me. This particular fear is hard for me to share because I feel like I was weakest at a point where it was so important for me to be strong. I should have been better for me and the life that is depending on me for its life. Those months have passed and there isn’t anything I can do to change them now. I can only be healthy today.

3. I was scared that I’d lose my audience. I know that people come here to see me lose weight. I don’t know how many people will be interested in reading what I have to say if the numbers on the scale aren’t going down. Then I realized something. You come here for my story, and that is exactly what I’m living right now. Sometimes life gives us a curve ball just when we think we’ve got things figured out. Maybe there is another expectant mom out there who will read what I have to say and will be able to connect with me. And you better believe that after I have this baby that I will most certainly be back to doing the whole weight loss thing. If my current situation is of no interest to you, please come back in July and see how I’m doing.

Now that you all know what I’m up to, you should know that in the past several weeks I’ve been far more active about hitting the gym and going on walks for my lunch break. I’ve started counting calories again, but not to lose weight, just to keep myself in check. I feel like I’m back in control again and that I’m doing my best to live healthy in my situation. Now that you all know the things I’ve been hiding, I’m not going to be as scared to show my face around here anymore. Sorry for the hiatus and thank you all for your congratulations and support!